So it's 2:23 am and I can't even think about sleeping right now because as the saying goes "the weight of the world is on my shoulders". For the past three months I have been making some of the dumbest decisions. Well tonight I finally got my long awaited reality check.
#1 My sister is ALWAYS there for me, although her unintentional bitchy ways can totally turn me off and give off the wrong vibe. She loves me for who I am and has manged to keep all my secrets no matter what. I have no clue where I would be without that girl. Needless to say, I called her with tears streaming down my face only an hour prior to this time. Life without my sis is Y U C K Y.
#2 I can do without my "friends" here in Daytona. That may sound so harsh but lately I have found myself trying to mold and shape them into the friends I have back home. The reality is THEY WILL NEVER BE MY BEST FRIENDS AND AS OF NOW THEY WILL NEVER LOVE AND UNDERSTAND ME AS MY BESTIES BACK HOME HAVE. The whole idea is superficial and I was way MORE than naive to think they could ever be an equivalent substitution for my GIRLS. Thought pattern is Y U C K Y.
#3 My boyfriend loves me more than I could ever explain to the person looking at me in the mirror. He goes to great ends for me and {most} times does it without complaint. No matter how much bull shit I throw his way, he manages to keep his cool and give me that security I need every time he says "I love you". For the first time in my life, I feel like I NEED a person to survive. That person being my angel, best friend, confidant, pride, and the love of my life-my boyfriend. Me not appreciating him as I should is Y U C K Y.
#4 Above all I can only be ME! This portion of my reality check is soooo needed. I have found myself too many times to count, in the appeasing seat and second placing my feelings for others. I refuse to suppress Fancy B any longer. I am who God created me to be and that is something I am very proud of. Everything else and everyone else must wait because I come before all in {MY} world. Me thinking I could change for others was Y U C K Y.
I guess you can say, I have come to my senses. My duty now is to make sure that I hold on to these truths and embrace them with love. My life will no longer be Y U C K Y. I'm taking it ALLLLLLLL back. =)
Showing posts with label self-love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-love. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Pretty for a Dark Skin Girl
It never ceases to amaze me how far the black culture has not come.
Growing up as a child, I remember being teased and taunted because of my "dark skin and big lips". I would go home in tears and a heart encumbered with confusion and hurt not knowing why I was not accepted as my peers were. My mother would always comfort me with words of wisdom as she would affirm me that I was indeed beautiful. She would always remind me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in Christ. Although these words did serve as comfort and appeased my sadness, I was still lost and fearful of continuing another day with peers who judged and disrespected me.
Instead of embracing my dark skin and big lips, I grew to believe that my color was ugly and not preferred over a person with lighter skin. I became envious of those with lighter skin because in my eyes they were pretty and had access to all the things I wanted. I remember thinking how unfair God had been to me for giving me the tainted skin and blessing those around me with such a "beautiful color". I stopped doing outdoor activities to ensure that my complexion stayed as it was with no chance of getting darker. I was ashamed of myself and was still searching for an answer as to why people who were a shade or two lighter than me, called me names such as, "darky" and "blacky".
Today, as I have aged many years, I still see the same type of ignorant behavior within my race. People who are of a lighter complexion (especially girls) consider themselves amongst the elite and superior to those of a dark complexion. I am aware that not ALL have this mindset but the thought has plagued too many to name a few. I have encountered many who have even went so far to say "I'm not black! I'm light skin!". This boggled my mind to even fathom thought that people have set themselves apart as a race because of different shades of skin! It angers me to hear such things on my college's campus. I can't seem to understand why there is such a clear separation over dark and light skin. We are human which means we are all the same. No color is greater than the other!
I am proud to be of a darker complexion, simply because that's the way God made me and He meant things to be that way. Who am I to complain??? Yet it still gets deep under my skin when I hear someone say, "You sure are pretty for a dark skin girl." Immediately, anger begins to surface as I think over the statement quietly. What does that mean? Is that to say that every girl that is light skin is pretty? Is there ever a declaration that "She sure is ugly for a light skin girl."? Who put the measure of beauty on a skin tone? It angers me. Why can't I just be pretty? Why does my skin tone have anything to do with it? Is there a limit of beauty I can have because my skin is dark? Are my looks incomparable to a female of light skin?
The answers are absurd! It makes no sense whatsoever. I call the thought interracial racism. That is what I feel it is! It is pure discrimination and the language should be obsolete. Yet, "my people" will never be able to handle such a task. It is much easier to separate than it is to unite. So please, before you give a compliment to a female whose skin is dark, leave the extra unnecessary add-ons such as "for a dark skin girl" in the small brain that concocted that thought.
Growing up as a child, I remember being teased and taunted because of my "dark skin and big lips". I would go home in tears and a heart encumbered with confusion and hurt not knowing why I was not accepted as my peers were. My mother would always comfort me with words of wisdom as she would affirm me that I was indeed beautiful. She would always remind me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in Christ. Although these words did serve as comfort and appeased my sadness, I was still lost and fearful of continuing another day with peers who judged and disrespected me.
Instead of embracing my dark skin and big lips, I grew to believe that my color was ugly and not preferred over a person with lighter skin. I became envious of those with lighter skin because in my eyes they were pretty and had access to all the things I wanted. I remember thinking how unfair God had been to me for giving me the tainted skin and blessing those around me with such a "beautiful color". I stopped doing outdoor activities to ensure that my complexion stayed as it was with no chance of getting darker. I was ashamed of myself and was still searching for an answer as to why people who were a shade or two lighter than me, called me names such as, "darky" and "blacky".
Today, as I have aged many years, I still see the same type of ignorant behavior within my race. People who are of a lighter complexion (especially girls) consider themselves amongst the elite and superior to those of a dark complexion. I am aware that not ALL have this mindset but the thought has plagued too many to name a few. I have encountered many who have even went so far to say "I'm not black! I'm light skin!". This boggled my mind to even fathom thought that people have set themselves apart as a race because of different shades of skin! It angers me to hear such things on my college's campus. I can't seem to understand why there is such a clear separation over dark and light skin. We are human which means we are all the same. No color is greater than the other!
I am proud to be of a darker complexion, simply because that's the way God made me and He meant things to be that way. Who am I to complain??? Yet it still gets deep under my skin when I hear someone say, "You sure are pretty for a dark skin girl." Immediately, anger begins to surface as I think over the statement quietly. What does that mean? Is that to say that every girl that is light skin is pretty? Is there ever a declaration that "She sure is ugly for a light skin girl."? Who put the measure of beauty on a skin tone? It angers me. Why can't I just be pretty? Why does my skin tone have anything to do with it? Is there a limit of beauty I can have because my skin is dark? Are my looks incomparable to a female of light skin?
The answers are absurd! It makes no sense whatsoever. I call the thought interracial racism. That is what I feel it is! It is pure discrimination and the language should be obsolete. Yet, "my people" will never be able to handle such a task. It is much easier to separate than it is to unite. So please, before you give a compliment to a female whose skin is dark, leave the extra unnecessary add-ons such as "for a dark skin girl" in the small brain that concocted that thought.
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