Healed Wounds

When a wound heals, it tends to leave an ugly scab as a constant reminder of the pain and blood shed. Until it fully heals, it may itch a little and some are even impossible to touch without it being sore. But when a wound is completely healed and goes from scab to scar, it has no feeling. It doesnt bother you at all no matter if it is talked about, touched, rubbed or scratched again. So I ask myself; are my love wounds truly healed???

If those spots which once caused great pain are again touched or bumped up against, will they again hurt me? Will they again make me cry or allow my heart to sink into that dark place of anguish? If so, then those wounds cannot be healed as I fooled myself into thinking. Scars don't ail!

Lasting Love (for the ladies)

Too often couples put the "in love" label on their relationship and never realize that being in love doesnt come with a ticket, Forever. Females always find themselves going all out and putting all emotions on the line for "the one" they're "in love" with. Sadly these relationships dont usually last and this once happy and amazing couple become worst enemies. This is because we, women give way too much.

We strive to be the perfect lover and girlfriend which turns into us bending our morals and values in order to appease and please our "man". Crazily we hardly find any limits on what to do or endure in order to keep our partner happy. It sounds good and makes you a rider if you do any and everything for your man but why do such things for a person who will more than likely NOT become our husband? We have to stop giving our all for a bunch of nothing.

Taking up the role of wifey has furthered our stupidity as a species and is the main reason why heartbreak stays at the top of our emotional list. Most dudes refer to us as "my boo" "my chick" "my girl" and some even go so far as to say "wifey" but these are all positions that can be easily replaced when "boo, chick, girl, or wifey" messes up. As ladies we should strive for eternal roles such as "confidant AND wife" "best friend AND wife" "soulmate AND wife" "life partner AND wife"

We need to stop doing wife things when we are not wives. I am not saying be ready to marry the first man that makes you feel good but Beyonce was so right when she said, "If you like it, then you should put a ring on it". You should not deplete yourselves of wife qualities before you even have the chance to have a husband. Your husband is worth your hard work, time, love, and babies-not some dude that's in your ear telling you he loves you but can easily replace you when your "wife" roles begin to drop from his standards.

The time is now to stop this era of ignorance. If you want your love to last stop giving the last of your love.

Stay True

I wish the words would come to me like these tears do
Or maybe I pick up the phone and hear "I love you"
But yet I sit here with my heart in my hand
It stopped beating when you stopped being my man
I'm trying to realize where it all went wrong
How we gave up when we worked so long
I'm not understanding why we couldn't be
I blame myself but was it all on me?
You told me forever but I guess that was a lie
I thought it was til the end between you and I
Yet my tears meet at the end of my chin
I'm replaying everything over and over again
You seem to be happy and living your life
While you treat me like "baby mama" when I was supposed to be wife
Just pretend like you care, ease my heart's pain
Make me feel like my efforts weren't all in vain
You were my lover, my guy, my very best friend
Now I feel like this hurt has no pause or no end
Assure me that it is still I that holds your heart
Tell me its hurting you just as bad that we are apart
How can two people just give up on love's fight?
You and I both know this thing can't be right
I love you, I miss you. I'm supposed to be your girl
Why do I feel like this is the end of my world?
But what can I do? I cant force your heart's passion
I wish my heart knew of a less painful reaction
Cause my heart deserves better and so do I
So from now on I cant let these eyes cry
My love for you has not and will never change
But to experience pure bliss,this heartache I'll exchange
Just know the time we shared is what I'll never forget
My body will always remember the day our hearts met
So rather you're mine or you with someone new
My feelings for you will forever stay true

Love Hates

Jazmine Sullivan's album "Fearless" had some awesome tracks on it but for the majority of the CD, you had to have experienced the situations to truly understand, love, and appreciate the songs.

Lions, Tigers, and Bears was indeed a hit off the album and was one of the tracks that was seriously personal to me. A line that really hit home in the song goes as follows: "Why do we love, love when love seems to hate us"

This is a question that only women and men alike who have undergone some serious heartbreak will ever understand. I am in no way saying that only women play the fool to love but it is usually our species who do. We never seem to give up on love no matter how many times it has led us astray or how many stitches it takes to mend our broken hearts. For most females love is like an addicting drug in so many facets. When we don't have it, we crave it, NEED it, want it, get upset if we can find someone to give it, will give anything just to get a "hit". And once we get that hit, we keep puffing-never passing until we get that true high. We enjoy that high soooo much. It's a feeling that is unexplainable. We never want to come down off that high and we do whatever it takes to maintain it. We get so livid with people trying to blow our high; like the ex-girlfriends and present haters. As a side effect of this potent drug, we go outside of our candid character when anything or anyone doesn't allow us to experience that pure bliss we desire from that high. That is when we become super weak and highly emotional. It is the time when we make ultimate sacrifices in order to keep that drug flowing in our lives. Our best friends say we act different. We no longer want to hang out as much and grades begin to fail because of all the time we spend getting "high". Before we know it, we become so consumed with this drug that nothing else or no one else matters except for our supplier. The happiness and security we get from this drug is insurmountable. Then that day comes when we no longer get that same high we used to. Things have changed as if we're on a new drug. The old days are just that-old days. We start to get depressed and crying is a regular part of our day. We're encumbered with feelings of rage and sadness because our drug has begun to let us down. We can't seem to find out how to get that same drug back from our supplier, not realizing it isn't the drug that has changed but the supplier, himself. The supplier which is the boyfriend has decided that supplying is no longer as riveting as it was in the beginning of the "smoking session". He passed the "blunt/pipe" a long time ago and had no desire for us to pass it back. He is on to supplying the next girl who is soon to be let down! Yet we females continue to pull from this now dead blunt/pipe not realizing the drug is gone. We are now smoking on fumes. We see the ashes from when this drug was at its prime but it is no longer there. The drug has won again. Love don't love nobody and when it does, it's only temporary. Our high is gone-completely gone. We are left destitute and in withdrawal as we reminisce on that awesome drug we had. So I ask my love bugs out there, was that high really worth this low? Because now every new supplier you get has to work super hard and supply way more in order for you to realize that his drug is the best on the market for you. You never allow yourself to get completely high anymore because remembering how awful you felt when that drug left your life inhibits you from true happiness. Sooner or later we do fine that supplier that seems to shame all the rest of suppliers you had before. You're getting high again, not even worried about coming down. Then the vicious cycle begins again...We find ourselves off that high over and over and over again. It's a sad thing. We want to get ourselves together because frankly, we are tired of seeing ourselves like this. So we check ourselves into rehab. We go on a spree of being single, living the good life and embracing ourselves more than ever. Self love becomes our main focus and motivation as we try to shake ourselves of that dirty drug-love. We do well for a while. Some of us go months...years. Sadly most of us still find ourselves nostalgically wanting that drug back in our lives. More than likely we slip up and start all over from the beginning. Love is one drug that is not going ANYWHERE no matter how or who may deny it. We love to love, to have love, to be loved but have you ever took the time to really recognize how much love hates....

I Knew I Was A Mom When...

::1:: I cried as she was getting her Hep B shot

::2:: I didn't sleep for two nights just so I could watch her breathing

::3:: I cried when she cried due to her hunger

::4:: I was up at 4 in the morning,bright eyed and happy

::5:: I started tearing up when I thought about how life would be after I return to work

::6:: I forgot to eat cause I was so busy getting stuff prepared for her

::7:: I got pooed and peed on and smiled afterwards

::8:: I watched Spongebob

::9:: I didn't put up a facebook album of her pics cuz I didnt want everyone to see her

::10:: I felt like my heart was outside of my body, in my arms, looking up at me

I never wanted to be a mom. I vowed to be childless unless I adopted. Now I would not trade motherhood for anything. I love my daughter so much!

Not Two

Why did I let you go is the question on my mind
You were such a lovely person, so funny and so kind

But I listened to my head instead of my heart
It said you no longer loved me and we were falling apart

So instead of me getting my heart broken once more again
I cut the relationship off and called us just friends

But I knew in my heart I wanted more
Cause without you, I had nothing to really live for

Many nights I cried myself sleep
I wish I hadn't gotten in so deep

I called and called, but you never answered the phone
I felt so unloved, I felt all alone

Finally we talked for what seemed like forever
By the end of the conversation we were back together

It was like the angels began to sing
I was so happy, what a wonderful thing

I never loved a person like I love you
I'm so happy we're one-not two

Not Correctable

The tears keep streamin
I'm asking what do you mean and
Why must you hurt me, lie, to me, and hate me
Act as though I'm out to get you, when in reality I just want to love you
And maybe hold you, and kiss you, and just be with you
But your words and actions leave me with NO satisfaction
But rather just a "sorry ms. jackson"
Which I don't understand, cause YOU, you supposed to be my man,
My life, my world, my babyboy
The one in whom is my pride and joy
But yet...
The tears keep pourin'
I'm asking if you think I'm a whore and
Why is it that you haven't called me
You know...since you boned me
Seeing that we were together for so long
I thought it was okay to take off my thong
But I now I see I laid with the enemy
And now that enemy resides inside of me
Cause if I want it or not, we made ourselves one
All this heartache for a few minutes of fun
And here I sit analyzing facts
Realizing now that I have no tact
Cause I don't know what to do in this predicament
I'm hurting over the boy I thought was God sent
But yet...
The tears keep racin'
I'm asking why haven't I seen your face and
I get the feeling that you've moved ahead
And all that you left me were lies you said
You know like "You're the only one for me" and "I'll be here always"
Funny how I haven't heard from you in days
But this can't be true
Cause you ALWAYS responded with "I love you too"
But in these tears lies pain
This pain I'm feeling is ineffable, inexpressible, ineffectual, inevitable
Shouldn't be acceptable
But I can't change it cause it's not correctable

Just Friends

This letter, this poem, this heart thang
for which I cant find a name
is about to let you in my world, my heart, my soul, the true me
which most times I dont let you see
but I guess this time I'll let my words be free
free to linger and touch your insides with that warm, tingly, feeling you cast upon me
I come with flaws and imperfections
but between us there's a connection
one that I feel is truly a blessing
and at times teaches me a valuable lesson
love comes knocking
when love's not wanted
but more so needed
and needs to be proceeded with cooperation
and communication
without any hesitation
but most definitely without limitations
yet I choose to run from love cause when love gets too close, it starts to hurt
and strip you of everything so all that you are left with is love itself
which sometimes isn't sufficient
but to ignore all the fussin' and bitchin'
to yourself you continue to mention
that it's what you got and love is what you'll always have but LOVERS dont always stay
...but more about me and you
and how I smile when you call me boo
and how at times I wanna leave with an "I love you"
but too scared that "love you too"
won't be heard on my end
cause in your eyes we're a little above friends
yet you beat and wanna beat again
but the reality still stands
that we're just friends
which is not what I long for
but rather what I settle for
until a me and you is what we both want for sure
cause baby I'm feeling you
and I care for you
you mean a lot to me
your words, your sounds, your everything
they're what make you and without you there'd be no me
you reserve the master suite in this hotel,metaphorically speaking of my body and how my heart has your name written on it
in bold print
italicized
and underlined
waiting for you to sign
on the dotted line
stating that I'll be yours and you'll be mine

Let It Go!

I have so much to say but at times like this my words can never really be expressed. I guess the bottom line is I am unsure of my feelings and my take on certain situations cause I could potentially have a biased view. But here goes!

People go through life not really getting the treatment they deserve because of their passive and kind ways. But how do you know when too far is just that? Too far! Don’t get me wrong because I believe in forgiving people but when it seems as if the intentions of the person is to honestly hurt you, that’s when you have to get the balls to continue on without that person. No one who truly loves you will continuously do things that cause you ill feelings. Obviously that person is trying to send you a sign or give u the notion that he/she wants a change in life and you are not necessarily apart of that change. People can only do what you allow them to do and if you allow them to run over you or make a fool of you or even present a picture of them having you wrapped around their pinky finger, then guess what….THEY WILL CONTINUE TO DO THESE THINGS WITHOUT ANY TYPE OF REMORSE!!!

Girls indeed play games in relationships no matter how much they love and care for you. But some games chicks play go beyond the limitation of a TRUE loving relationship. If someone so called really care about you then they want the best for you. Love is KIND! I know that things are not supposed to be all peachy clean but things do get to that breaking point and when it gets there it has to be a 50/50 effort to get past it. When new situations began to arise and you are the victim not the criminal, it is time to LET GO! There is no justification or excuse to be mistreated! If the person you have professed your love to publically and privately begins to do things out of the norm such as numerable cheatings acts or anything that is shameful to tell a third party, then maybe that person has already began a new life and is just giving you reasons to call it quits….(games) the best game a chick or guy can put on is the upfront game cause he or she is letting you know everything that is going on but at the same time not stopping the side piece action! So for that person, everything is cool because they “did the right thing” by making you aware of the wrong actions but who is to say that the wrong actions are going to stop as a result of you knowing?!?! Them not having anything to hide only allows them to sleep better but oh well for your sleep cause that person still doing their own thing without any regard to your feelings!

Then that person hits you with the “but YOU did this” or “what about that time YOU” type of stuff. This in turn makes you feel bad and that is when you excuse such behavior from him or her because the wrong you did surfaces once again! But my main thing is this {{{love is not sufficient if BOTH parties are doing things that can most definitely be under the title of cheating}}} obviously the happiness that was once there is only sparked at certain times and remnants of the past can produce that smile that you once couldn’t get OFF your face. Rather you decide to face reality or not, you both have found happiness elsewhere. The time needed to mend and rebuild what WAS, is too extensive due to the fact that in the time used to repair; feelings for whomever else have already grown! The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Clearly you must be insane to keep trying to put the pieces to the puzzle back together knowing it’s a 100 count and you only have 78 pieces to work with!! Maybe you are better off without each other than being together under conditions that include arguing constantly, attitude changes when the person comes around, lying when the truth is too much to handle, and going to sleep thinking about someone else >lol…killer<> Basically you both are looking for an outlet to escape the sad reality of what once was but when the outlet becomes available it becomes easier to blame each other than to accept things as they are clearly given to you! You can love someone and be apart from them. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you have to be with each other. Love is definitely not the super glue to relationships. It has to be more!

Moral of the blog>>>>LET IT GO!

Me or The Fellas

I honestly have a great boyfriend which most chicks would dream about or can only fathom on paper. He will make to be a great father and much more. He is going to hate me for this one, but....lately, I have been feeling like I am competing with his friends. Don't get me wrong because I am a very understanding, caring, and trusting girlfriend but, I am not liking the time he spends with them.

It is difficult to like the friends he hangs with because he tells me what type of people they are. Just know, you probably don't want your little brother, cousin, and definitely not your man hanging with them. Well it sucks because just as much as I don't want him around them, they don't want me around at all. This is fine because I am not trying to be "one of the guys" but when I'm chosen AFTER them is when the problem arises.....

I proud myself on my ability to let ish go and keep it moving but I can't shake this thing. It's understandable if you and your dudes want to do "dude" things and no women allowed. I respect that. I know you have to let a man be a man! But I do feel like you have to stand up for your woman at some point and make ya boys realize that the two of you are a unit. Just because they choose not to have me around doesn't make me disappear from his life.

I am not blaming his friends for not wanting me around but I do feel like my man has to take some authority and speak up for me! It has been times when it would have been nice with "just us girls" but I had to let my friends know that my man was coming along as well. They had to accept it and move on. Why can't I get the same treatment from him???

I love him, I do; but it has come to the point where he has to decide if it is going to be me or the fellas....

It Takes So Much

*all feelings expressed are real, but not necessarily MINE*

So today after I saw the look in your eyes after you looked into mine, I realized it takes so much.

It takes so much to walk away from you as if your place in my life is minimal.

It takes so much not to scream at people through a bull horn just how much I love you.

It takes so much not to walk up to every person I see and tell them about the text messages you sent me last night.

It takes so much not to tweet about the phone call I received from you this morning, as you expressed your love and affection for me

It takes so much to settle for a "church hug" when I really want to hold you tight and not let go

It takes so much to ignore the butterflies I get when I see your smile

It takes so much not to part your lips with my tongue and taste your nectar

I guess it wouldn't take so much if I wasn't another man's woman and you weren't another woman's man.

You should be mine.

Keep It Movin

What do you do when your heart beats for two? Do you choose the one you love or the one who loves you?

This is mostly for my ladies but I'm sure my fellas can feel me on this as well. It's crazy how much you THINK you are over a person and then they show up with "that other girl/guy". Your whole world goes dumb as you start to remember all the good times you shared. You actually realize how much of your heart that person really has. It's even crazier because you have suppsedly moved on yourself!

But does a person ever really stop loving?? I think not. I believe that all loves are different and cant be compared to each other. You don't stop loving, rather you take the dedication to move on. So again I ask, what is a person to do when love is telling them to go back with that "old guy/girl" but the future looks brighter with that "new-new"?

Do you give up on what you have and go back to what you had? People are in your life for a season and to go back and try to reestablish what WAS is insane. So I say, pick up the dusty pieces to your life and keep it moving!

Don't miss out on your blessing because you too busy playing on the Devil's playground. =) Embrace the fact that yes, you love them, but it's a reason why the two of you are no longer ONE.

Cupid, Oh Cupid...

So Happy Late Valentine's Day to everyone. I hope you enjoyed yourself thoroughly as I did. I came to a clear realization this Valentine's weekend. That whole lovey dubby thing is so not worth it. Don't get me wrong but I didn't do the "norm" for Valentine's Day but I am sure that the quality time I spent with my boyfriend was much more valued and appreciated than the girl who got taken out on that "special date" and the girl who got the atmosphere SET just right for SEX. All the money that was spent on meaningless gifts and one track dates were incomparable to the simple kiss I received when it was indeed, Valentine's Day.

The look in my boyfriend's eye was priceless when I told him how much I truly cared and didn't want a fancy dinner to prove his love for me. I wanted to order in something and watch movies. Actually spend time together and talk....sex will come.

The laughs, million of hugs, cuddling, and innumerable kisses were insurmountable to any gift that he has ever given me. So for the years to come, I no longer expect a fancy date or a fancy gift. I just want the love and attention from my lover knowing that sex wont be the highlight of the night. The time we share is all we need!

FYI: I did get a teddy bear and a new digital camera....didnt want you to think my boyfriend is a cheap ass! lol

Y U C K Y

So it's 2:23 am and I can't even think about sleeping right now because as the saying goes "the weight of the world is on my shoulders". For the past three months I have been making some of the dumbest decisions. Well tonight I finally got my long awaited reality check.

#1 My sister is ALWAYS there for me, although her unintentional bitchy ways can totally turn me off and give off the wrong vibe. She loves me for who I am and has manged to keep all my secrets no matter what. I have no clue where I would be without that girl. Needless to say, I called her with tears streaming down my face only an hour prior to this time. Life without my sis is Y U C K Y.

#2 I can do without my "friends" here in Daytona. That may sound so harsh but lately I have found myself trying to mold and shape them into the friends I have back home. The reality is THEY WILL NEVER BE MY BEST FRIENDS AND AS OF NOW THEY WILL NEVER LOVE AND UNDERSTAND ME AS MY BESTIES BACK HOME HAVE. The whole idea is superficial and I was way MORE than naive to think they could ever be an equivalent substitution for my GIRLS. Thought pattern is Y U C K Y.

#3 My boyfriend loves me more than I could ever explain to the person looking at me in the mirror. He goes to great ends for me and {most} times does it without complaint. No matter how much bull shit I throw his way, he manages to keep his cool and give me that security I need every time he says "I love you". For the first time in my life, I feel like I NEED a person to survive. That person being my angel, best friend, confidant, pride, and the love of my life-my boyfriend. Me not appreciating him as I should is Y U C K Y.

#4 Above all I can only be ME! This portion of my reality check is soooo needed. I have found myself too many times to count, in the appeasing seat and second placing my feelings for others. I refuse to suppress Fancy B any longer. I am who God created me to be and that is something I am very proud of. Everything else and everyone else must wait because I come before all in {MY} world. Me thinking I could change for others was Y U C K Y.

I guess you can say, I have come to my senses. My duty now is to make sure that I hold on to these truths and embrace them with love. My life will no longer be Y U C K Y. I'm taking it ALLLLLLLL back. =)

Love Letter

Dear Love:

You got a lot of nerve to show your face around here again cause see the last time I let you in, you took me so fast and so fast was the end

It seems as if you don’t like me and you try to spite me and I just want you to wife me and see what could and might be

But you seem to have other plans and I’m always blinded by your “caring” hands and that internal feeling when my heart begins to dance

But the rhythm that we start on is never the ending song but always gloomy and far gone from what we promised to each other on

Love, your audacity, and tenacity that only seems to have elasticity when you have the intentional capacity to see how much you can hurt me

Yeah love, I vividly, and clearly, and distinctly, and wholeheartedly remember how you did me and how left me swiftly

The many nights I depended on Mr. Radio to play a song or two about me and you to quiet my tears and calm my fears, Love

Love, where were you when I needed you? I cried out for you but the only thing that remained true is that it was you

It was you Love that turned your back on me, and left me on bended knee, only to face reality that hating you was not a good strategy

But why not hate you Love? You made me cry and made me want to die even after I gave you a second and third try

You still left me weeping when I should have been sleeping instead tears were steadily seeping and you were out creeping when it was me you should have been keeping

Love you couldn’t be my protector because it was your nectar that was the connector to the pain I felt, but

You see I learned from you. I learned that they’re two sides of you. Selfishly, you only let me see side A but selflessly, I peeked at side B

A being the Alright side and B being the Better side and I’m sure you know in which I put my pride and which I chose to truly confide

Yeah Love, the last time you left I gave up on seeing you once more but now I see what your cruelty was for

See if I didn’t see your horrible days, these happiness-uncontrollable days would not even begin to put me in that daze that I get from your tender ways

Yes Love, I thought you and I were done with but I see now that was just a crazy myth like me telling people my last name is smith

But you and I both know my last name is Battle and the crazy thought of me ever being done with you must skedaddle

This time I’m glad you came with good intentions cause now when I’m fussing and bitching, Love you are still sufficient to keep me as the beneficent

All the times before you treated me as your whore cause you pimped me and skimped me of my emotions and gave me ice as a devastating demotionI’m glad you’re back my friend.

But just what do you intend? Will you and I proceed to contend? Face to face, side by side to continue the race? But what happens when you decide to leave without a trace, again?